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<h1>The Five Stages Of Cougar Grief</h1>
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<p class="nav"><span class="nav-left">Listed under <a href="/heartiste-2008.html">Heartiste: 2008</a>.</span><span class="nav-right"><a href="/theme.html">Theme</a></span></p>
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<p>From the <a href="https://heartiste.org/2008/08/05/the-five-stages-of-cougar-grief/" target="_blank">original article</a> on August 5, 2008. Author: <a href="https://heartiste.org/" target="_blank">Chateau Heartiste</a>.</p>
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<!-- This article was generated automatically using GigaChad System Alpha: HEARTISTE v1.0. If there are any stylistic errors or bugs, please report them. -->
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<p><strong>Denial</strong></p>
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<p>“I’ve still got it, baby!”<br/> “I’ve never looked or felt better.”<br/> “These are the best years of my life.”<br/> “30 is the new 20!” [editor’s note: actually, in woman years, 30 is the new 40]<br/> “My sex drive is higher.”<br/> “I will age gracefully.”<br/> “I’ve really grown into my skin.”</p>
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<p><strong>Anger</strong></p>
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<p>“No self-respecting man dates some 20 year old floozy.”<br/> “Men who date younger women can’t date women their own age.” [editor’s note: replace <em>can’t </em>with <em>won’t</em>]<br/> “It’s the patriarchal misogynistic culture that devalues older women.”<br/> “Who needs them!”<br/> “Pigs!”</p>
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<p><strong>Bargaining</strong></p>
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<p>“Once I apply this new tangerine-emu oil antioxidant exfoliating facial cream predigested and squeezed through the anus of a bird of paradise, I’ll look ten years younger.”<br/> “I’ve got a great personality.” [editor’s note: no, you don’t]</p>
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<p><strong>Depression</strong></p>
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<p>“Wow, I guess it’s all over. I’ll never find a man now.”<br/> “It’s just me and you, Fluffy. Come here, mommy needs a kitty cuddle.”</p>
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<p><strong>Acceptance</strong></p>
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<p>“Maybe settling isn’t so bad. That homeless guy outside Whole Foods has nice hair.”</p>
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<p>***</p>
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<p>I suppose I should feel guilty for robbing so many single older women of exciting and fulfilling dating lives and leaving them stranded in favor of dating younger women, but then I squeeze that supple flesh and smell that enticing natural aroma and I remember why I don’t.</p>
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<p>You will too.</p>
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<p class="C">Library of GigaChad | <a href="/" target="_blank">GigaChad</a></p>
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